


(rewritten) An alternative

by Holiday12345



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drug Addiction, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:46:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23481175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holiday12345/pseuds/Holiday12345
Summary: After Reid gets kidnapped by Hankel he fights with his dialudid, luckily his boss is there to offer him an alternative to drug use and help him through his withdrawal and PTSD from the events.Rewrite of an older story, Spoilers up to season 3
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 1
Kudos: 143





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! so I'm really going to try to update this work weekly. Feel free to comment any suggestions!

Hotchner had never really appreciated Reid, he realized after the young agent had been gone for days. You never really know what you have until it’s gone. Not knowing where he was, not knowing if he was safe had pulled strings in his heart he didn’t even know. The pit in my stomach had never felt so goddamn deep. Every moment without Reid safe and sound beside him caused him so much pain he could barely think through the haze of agony. He worried if anything did happen to Reid he would truly never be able to recover, that the pain would go on for the rest of his life. 

Luckily they found Reid safe. Seeing the boy, covered in sweat and dirt, glimmering under the bright white of the flashlights, the pit in Hotch’s stomach gave way to a wave of relief. The pain did not disappear but changed from a sickness in his stomach to a clenching of his heart with pure joy. This pain he did not mind, though. He cherished the new, better pain. Reid is safe. Reid is safe. Spencer is safe. His thoughts repeated like a manta in his head as the young agent ran to him. He was shivering slightly, whether it was from the slight autumn chill, the drugs, or the stress, Hotch could not tell. His honey eyes were filled with terror, but as they met Hotch's only relief showed. Hotch's heart beat in his ears and his stomach did a flip. Before Aaron knew what was happening the young agent was in his arms, his weight pushing against the older man's chest. He could feel the rhythmic heartbeat of the younger agent pounding against his skin, even through the bullet-proof vest. His breath was lost in his lungs, tears stung at his eyes, he pulled Reid closer.

"I knew you would understand" the younger man whispered, his breath hot against Aaron's ear. The pain in the younger agent's voice was counteracted by the overwhelming gratitude and trust that seeped from the statement. Aaron wanted to wrap the boy up in a blanket and make sure he was never hurt again. He had always felt protective over the youngest member of his team, but now that this had happened, he would never let the young genius out of his sight. Aaron’s large hands found their way to the young agent’s hair and stroked lightly, fingers weaving in the sweaty and matted locks. 

Reid lifted his head from Hotch's shoulder for a moment, letting his golden eyes meet Hotch's coal ones. In that moment Hotch could feel a pull to kiss the other man. His eyes wandered down to Reid's pink lips, cracked from the dry air. Quickly he pushed the idea from his head, knowing it wasn't appropriate. Plus Reid would never want him like that. He was pretty sure that the young agent thought of him as some sort of father figure alongside Gideon. Aaron cleared his throat. 

“Let’s get you back to the hotel?” He said into the young agent's ear, so close that only he could hear it. Spencer stood still and silent for a moment, still shaking just enough that Hotch could feel the vibrations. Slowly he moved his head in a slow nod against Aaron’s chest and began to extricate himself from his bosses grasp. As Reid walked to the lights of the cars and ambulance, Aaron followed behind the young agent like a dog following his owner, taking in every movement he made.  
Aaron leaned against one of the police cars, keeping his eyes glued to Spencer as he got his medical exam and talked to Morgan. The sirens and chatter all around seemed to be underwater and the red and blue light painted the entire scene in some type of dreamlike Euphoria. It felt like all the stress of the last few days were seeping out of him and spinning into an abstract painting, but he still felt the pain tugging on his chest. Maybe he still couldn’t process the fact that Reid was back and safe, or some type of guilt or worry still lingering in his thoughts. Someone, the police chief, was trying to talk to him but he couldn’t hear anything he was saying. He nodded and made vague affirmative sounds until Reid walked back towards them. Without even meaning to, Aaron abandoned the police chief mid sentence, and walked towards Spencer, like a moth to a flame. Together, in silence, they walked to Aaron’s car and both got in. Without consulting the other team members they drove to the hotel. The same hotel as they were in when they started working the case. The same hotel as before Reid got kidnapped. It seemed so wrong but it was the only place they had to sleep, so Hotch kept driving, and they both kept not saying anything because it was so much easier to say nothing than to say everything. There was so much more to say than either of them could put into words. 

They pulled into the parking lot without having said a single word the entire drive. There were about a million texts from the rest of the team on Hotch’s phone but he did not give any thought to anybody but the young genius he was walking to the front lobby with. He stood awkwardly in the corner completely consumed in his own thoughts as Reid got another key from the front desk. He thought about the physical feelings that had been caused from Reid not being with him. He thought about the feeling in his chest when they found him. He debated with himself, because he didn’t want to leave the boy, but he didn’t want to crowd him or cross any professional lines. But somehow, professional lines seemed so much less important after losing and getting back the team's pretty boy.  
Reid walked back to Hotch, key in hand, and Aaron pulled his mind from his own thoughts. They walked together down the long hallway covered in a distasteful mustard yellow carpet towards their rooms; as they walked they slowly decreased the distance between themselves, drawn to each other's heat that bleed off of both of their bodies. Disappointment floated in the air when they reached their rooms and both men stalled looking at each other, waiting for some excuse to not leave each other. So they stood there, under the unflattering yellow flickering lights, the air thick with words not said.  
"Reid" he said, his mouth moving before his brain had a chance to fully formulate a sentence.

"Hotch '' the boy's eyes met his, and Hotch's heart contracted painfully. There remained a pain in those precious eyes, a pain that Hotch knew would never fully fade. One does not easily forget these types of things. Guilt ran through Hotch's veins like ice.

"Sleep well" was all Hotch could think to say as he looked at the boy who had trusted him. Reid chucked grimly, and Hotch realized how silly what he said had been. Of course Reid wouldn’t sleep well, after what he had been through. Guilt filled the older agent. Despite the fact that he was safe now, in the hotel, Hotch had failed to find him for days. Bruises were dark covering Reid's face and neck, and Hotch couldn't even think of what could lie under Reid's long shirt and pants.  
Hotch could only watch as the young genius opened the door and walked in, his gaze even lingering for moments after the door shut. Feeling the emptiness of the hallway pushing upon him, Hotch finally entered his own room.

×××

The silence rang in Hotch's ears as he brushed his teeth and divested of his formal attire. The sound of the showered was muted by the constant ringing of no one being there.

Hotch missed Haley, but did not wish to go home to her. He missed the version of her from years back. The version of her he had truly loved. He didn't really know if he had loved her, if he was honest he was most often more attracted, both sexually and emotionally to men. However, he had felt comfortable around her in a way that was rare in his life. But now, the house seemed to be filled with only tension and expectations. He knew she wanted more from him, as a husband and a father, but he also knew his job was his identity. He now felt more comfortable at work, surrounded by photos of grisly murders than at his own house.  
He dried himself from the shower and pulled on an old pair of sweatpants and a white t-shirt that clung too tight to his frame. He walked to his bed and turned the lights of. The silence still rang in his ears painfully. When he closed his eyes all he could see was Spencer tied to the chair, dying without his help. He couldn’t shake the images from running through his head like some sick slideshow. Hotch shifted, and tried to think about something else, anything. But his mind always seemed to come back to the image of the boy genius dead.

He flicked the light back on and slipped a room key into his pocket. He slid into the hallway quietly and walked a few doors down.

His hand was lifted above the door as he considered whether to knock. He felt he should leave the boy alone after such a hard few days, and obviously did not want to wake the boy up if he were sleeping. But the boy wouldn't be sleeping. Not with what had happened. So Hotch knocked, lightly, but firmly. Then he waited.  
Within a heartbeat, he was face to face with the young genius. The boy’s hair was wet and slicked back, his face was slightly flushed from a hot shower, Hotch bit his lip lightly at the sight. Focusing on Reid’s eyes, Hotch realized that the young boy was certainly not looking at him. Instead, the young doctor’s eyes were taking down his body to where his old sweatpants hung a little too low on his hips. Once they once again met eyes, both men were blushing profusely. 

"May I come in?" The older agent asked. It was odd, hearing a genuine request from the older man. Reid was so used to hearing commands or commands thinly veiled as requests. It shook him slightly.

"Of course" Reid's voice was still shaky.  
They walked into the room in silence. Reid again found himself cross legged on the foot of the bed. Hotch leaned against the wall next to a large hardwood dresser. They didn't look at each other at first, eyes unfocused pointed towards opposite walls. The room wasn’t much to speak about, king bed covered in reasonably nice covers. A greyish carpet and slightly peeling flower adorned wallpaper.

"How are you doing?"

"I... I don't really know, honestly '' Reid looked down at his hands, still shaky. There was a breath of silence and it clung to everything in the room. Suffocating it.

"I just can't stop thinking. Thinking of everything that happened." Reid confessed slowly, his voice at once calm but laced with panic "I feel like he's still alive, he's following me, every time I close my eyes I feel like he's behind a corner ready to take me back there. Being alone here, I feel so vulnerable" Aaron's heart broke. He had thought that leaving the younger agent alone for a little bit would have been good for him. Obviously he had been wrong.

"Reid, I'm so sorry" he started as if there was something more to say, but just let them hang in the air, "I could stay, if you would like. Sleep on the floor?” The words were slow and quiet as if there was someone sleeping in the room that he didn’t want to wake up.”

"Make sure I'm safe," Reid said sarcastically, "I can take care of myself.” The two agents looked at each other in the eye and Spencer could see the softness in Aaron’s eyes. “Okay”

"Yeah?" Hotch asked gently

"Yeah" Reid confirmed, "but you're not going to sleep on the floor. This is a king bed, we can both easily fit." Hotch wanted to argue, but the words died in his mouth. He nodded slightly.

×××

Even from across the bed, Reid could feel Hotch's presence in his room. He swore he could feel a subtle pulling him towards the other man. All he wanted to do was kiss the older man, feel his strong hands on his own thin body. He knew, as well, that his boss wanted him. The subtle ups and downs Hotch gave him, the subtle gaze when he believed his young agent wasn't looking, the lingering touches on the shoulder. His boss would of course never make a move, but Reid wondered if he would allow something if the younger man were to make a move. He did not, however, make any move towards his boss, even as the older man was sleeping in his bed.

On an intellectual level Reid knew that he would start going through withdrawal without dilaudid, but he was surprised at how fast it came. He should have that with such a strong drug the body would quickly create a reliance and need the drug constantly. With Hotch he could fall asleep, but it was a feverish sleep and he kept waking up to his body sweating and shaking. His head pounded and his stomach felt ready to puke out all of the nothing he had eaten for the past few days. He had grabbed some of the glass containers and a needle off of Hankel’s dead body and stuffed them in his suitcase before Hotch came to his room. He told himself he wouldn’t use the drugs, but he obviously knew he was lying to himself because he had taken them in the first place. They called to him, promising a heavy sleep.  
He turned his head to look at his boss, fast asleep next to him. Even beyond his own want to keep clean and move on from this part of his life, he felt like he owed it to the older man. Hotch had come to his room to make sure he felt safe, and had offered to sleep on the floor. He wanted to make his boss proud, to come back and be the agent that he had been before. He wanted things to go back to normal, for himself, for Hotch, for the team. That could only happen without dilaudid. Still, withdrawal could be deadly, especially cold turkey, and it sure felt like he was dying. At the end of the day, his rational mind was outweighed by his want to just go to sleep, and he shifted as quietly as he could, avoiding looking at the sleeping figure on the other side of the bed, and got up.

Reid rustled through his suitcase and pulled out the bottle and needle. Without waking up Hotch he was able to make his way to the bathroom. Turning on the light, he hoped that Hotch was a heavy sleeper. Unfortunately, his boss had trained himself after years of hunting serial killers to sleep quite lightly, and slowly began the wake up with the soft sounds and light coming from the bathroom. His eyes slid open but his lids remained heavy. His eyes were fixed at the yellow light spilling from below the bathroom door. Part of him just wanted to go back to sleep, but his conscience pulled him to check on his younger agent.

His steps were light on the carpeted ground as he walked to the bathroom. He opened the door slowly and his heart stopped. Reid was bent over a clear bottle, a syringe poking out of the top. He had a belt laid out on the countertop.

"Reid" Hotch's voice was soft but warning. Golden brown eyes flicked to his, fear bleeding from the honey colored irises. They stood in a stalemate for a moment, with the omnipresent buzz of the bathroom fan above them. After a moment Reid pushed on and pulled the needle full of the clear liquid out of the bottle and set the glass down on the counter with a small clink.

"Hotch please go back to bed" his voice was weak and raspy "just let me do this" For a moment Hotch debated on whether he should let Reid deal with his craving for the drug and deal with it in the morning. It would be much easier for them to figure out a rehab situation after a good night of sleep. The last thing they needed was to have a physical fight at three in the morning, Reid already had enough bruises scattering his thin frame. Still, Hotch knew deep down that letting the boy inject himself would only deepen the addiction. The withdrawal would be worse the longer the addiction went on. Hotch charged. 

Obviously the bigger and stronger man, Hotch quickly grabbed the needle and pushed Reid against the counter. The young agent squirmed and hot tears fell down his face. A mixture of embarrassment and frustration clouded the younger man’s mind and he helplessly grabbed for the needle that would make it all better.

"NO! Goddammit Hotch ``Reid scratched and slapped at his boss's hands. Reid's attacks became more and more violent until he scratched a deep line into Hotch's face.

"Reid!" the older man screeched and without a beat broke the tip of the needle in half and deposited the broken pieces onto the counter. The younger man quickly filled with spite and rage at his boss’s inconsiderate actions. The tears continued streaming down his face and his mouth turned into an animalist snarl. In a haze of withdrawal and anger he continued his barrage of attacks against the older man. Taking advantage of Reid’s fist flying towards him, Hotch quickly grabbed the younger man’s wrists and pinned them above his head on the doorway to the bathroom and leaned heavily into him to prevent any kicking or twisting away.

A fire started in Reid's veins, the anger of the moment receding and morphing into a different kind of heat. As the tears on his face began to dry into a salty crust, his mind started from the drugs he craved so deeply to the lips of the older man above him. Being held down was highly arousing to the younger agent, and his bosses proximity to him made heat run down his abdomen to his manhood. He shifted uncomfortably. He could feel the older man’s thigh between his legs and hot breath on his face. His cock began to harden. 

Aaron licked his lips and tried not to be aware of the heat pouring off of his teammate. They stared at each other, both waiting and breathing warm breath into the space between their bodies. He could feel Reid begin to get hard against him and the thought of the younger man being aroused by him made his breath come out in short gasps. Within a moment his own dick began to swell, which he was also sure the young doctor could feel very clearly. 

"Reid" he stuttered as he shifted against the young man, giving them both a taste of friction. The younger man mewed and let his head fall to the older man’s chest, enjoying the sound of his pounding heart beat. Hotch circled his hips and slowly created a rhythm as he moved against the younger agent. Hotch removed his hands from pinning Reid against the doorway and brought one arm around the younger agent's waist. With his remaining hand he put his pointer finger under Spencer’s chin and lifted up his head so that both of the men were looking into each other's eyes. Reid was breathing in sudden gasps in time with Aaron’s hips. Hotch took in the sight, the wide eyes and dilated pupils, the blush that reached up to the younger man’s ears.

Hotch's lips crushed into Reid's like two planets colliding. Hotch's hands cradled Reid's head and ran through his hair. His tongue swiped over the younger man's lower lip, requesting access. Reid gasped and the older man's tongue slipped into his mouth. It ran over Reid's tongue and explored down the boy's throat. He pulled the boy into him and Reid moaned. Hotch moved his mouth to the boy's neck, licking a warm strip. He quickly bit down on the flesh harshly. Reid whimpered loudly. Hotch continued kissing his agent's necks, stopping periodically to suck lightly or bite down. His hands ran down to the hem of Reid's shirt and pulled up. Hotch broke away for a moment to pull Reid’s shirt off. His fingers ran over the pale but surprisingly toned chest. He winced at the bruising covering much of the skin. He would make the boy feel good to forget about all of this. Hotch suddenly moved his hand from Reid’s chin to grab the younger man by the ass with one hand and tightened his arm around his waist to pull the genius flush to his chest. He easily lifted the younger man. Getting the message, Reid wrapped his legs around Hotch's waist. Hotch carried him to the bed and deposited him onto the white blankets. Quickly he crawled onto the younger man, smirking slightly at his panting teammate. He descended once again. His lips found the younger man's with a deranged hunger. Reid's hand ran under his boss's shirt, enjoying the hard muscle under his fingertips. He mewed with need and jerked upward. 

"Impatient, are we?" Hotch chuckled, letting his hands drag down to the waistband of Reid's pants. The younger man whimpered and arched his back. Hotch finally took the younger man's erection in his hand and slowly stroked it, watching Reid's face change. His eyes flicked closed and his mouth opened in a ghost of a moan. The older man then moved his hand for a moment and was met with a disappointed mew. He then yanked the boys pants down, taking a moment to get them over Reid's feet before throwing them across the room. He settled on his knees and bent over the younger man, licking a thin line on the man's cock. He used his hand to position the hard dick and took the tip into his mouth. Reid bucked up and moaned. Hotch smiled. He took more into his mouth until he gagged slightly. Reids hands flew intertwined with Hotch's hair. Hotch bobbed his head up and down, each time taking in slightly more. He stopped for a moment to swirl his tongue around the tip of the younger man's erection. His hands fell to the younger man's balls, and he rolled them in his palm. Below him, Reid was beginning to tremble. 

"Hotch" the name sounded slightly odd being moaned, too professional for the current situation. Hotch didn't have too long to think it over and his hair was being tugged on, "Hotch I don't want to finish yet." Their eyes met "I want you to take me"

Hotch didn't have to be told twice. He reached for the draws next to the bed and shuffled around.

"What are you doing?" Spencer asked, almost exacerbated.

"They always have an intimacy kit in places like these" and with a cat-like smile he pulled a small bag. He went straight for the lube and slicked up one finger. Slowly he circled his finger around the tight ring of muscle enjoying the sight of Reid squirming and whining. Slowly he pushed the finger into the tight canal. Under him, Spencer was gasping and moaning so loudly that he was afraid that whoever was in the next room would hear them. It didn’t matter though, because the sounds were so goddamn arousing he could feel his cock growing even harder.

He slowly fucked the finger in and out, then paused to curve it until he felt Spencer's muscles clamp down and the younger man shout suddenly. He brushed over the little pad of fresh again and received a similar reaction. 

"Fuck Aaron" it was odd having Reid call him by his first name, but so fucking hot, "I don't want to come without you in me." Could Reid be any sexier while saying those words? His legs spread open wantonly, chest rising and falling with his shallow breaths. Hotch could spend the rest of his life taking in the sight of the boy, but given the drops of pre-cum accumulating on the tip of his teammates member, he figured that he should probably get on with it. Aaron licked his lips and refocused to add another finger. He pushed in and out and leaned over the younger man to touch their lips together. Their tongues instantly met and danced together between their mouths. Hotch bit on Reid’s lower lip and the man below him whimpered.

Hotch finally added a third finger, pulling away from his kiss with Reid to watch the younger man's facial expression. His eyes were halfway closed and his mouth hung open as his breathed shallow breaths. There was a flush down to the boy's neck and his nipples were engorged. He smiled and with his free hand pinched one of the rosy buds. Reid murmured something inaudible. Hotch slowly pulled his fingers out of the boy and received a half hearted whine in response. Reid had fully opened his eyes to watch as Hotch lined up his erection with the hole. He pushed in slowly.

It was amazing to Hotch how fucking tight Reid was despite all of his careful preparation. He wanted to push fully into the boy with violent speed, but he had to keep himself under control to not hurt the boy. The base of his cock finally met the boy's ass. Reid was still staring at the dick inside his body, but as Hotch began to pull out his eyes snapped to the older man's. They held eye contact as Hotch slowly fucked in and out of the younger man. As Reid began to relax into the bed beneath him, Hotch increased his speed and angled his hips slightly to hit on the younger man's prostate with. Reid moaned loudly and Hotch descended to bite at the younger man’s neck. The new angle made it so Hotch was humping into the boy like an animal, but he didn’t mind. He felt like a famished animal and Reid was his prey. He bit hard at the meeting point between Reid’s shoulders and neck. 

The younger man dug his fingernails into Hotch's back, leaving crescents in their wake. He gasped at the increased speed and fought to breath. Sparks of pleasure shot through him each time his boss plowed back into him. He could feel his orgasm building and tried to stave it off to continue enjoying the pleasure the older agent was giving him. As it got more and more intense Spencer's need for release became painful. Hotch could feel the wetness of the younger man’s precum between their bodies and shifted again so he could grab the weeping cock. It didn’t take much.

"Aaron" Spencer gasped, arching his back and came. Spencer went completely limp and looked at his boss with sleepiness as the older man searched for his own release. Hotch’s already fast and hard strokes became almost violent, making the over sensitized younger man weakly whimper. Luckily, he quickly found his release and let himself cum deep in his younger teammate. He groaned and collapsed onto the younger man, crushing the thin frame with his own, not bothering to take his softening member out for a few minutes. Their lips met lazily and messily. 

“You’re going to have to get off me at some point” Spencer wheezed, “I can’t really breathe all that well.” Begrudgingly, Hotch pulled out of Reid’s abused hole and rolled over. Reid enjoyed the feeling of the older man’s cum leaking out of him as he drifted into a deep and dreamless sleep.


	2. back in Quantico

The plane lacked the usual banter, instead it was filled with an uneasy silence. Spencer sheathed internally. Everybody was staring at him, and then averting their eyes when he looked back over. Everyone but Hotch that is. When Spencer had woken up, he was alone in the bed. He and Hotch had not said a word to each other, and when they got on the plane, Hotch had sat as far as possible away from the doctor. 

Spencer was so angry he could feel his hands shaking. Everyone was looking at him like he would break. Everybody but the one god damn person who could prevent him from breaking. He couldn’t believe Hotch had left him in the middle of the night like it had been a one night stand. Still, beyond the anger and the pain, he felt a pang of guilt. Hotch was married, Hotch was straight. His team leader had cheated on his wife because Spencer had come onto him. With his eyes fixed at some point beyond the clouds, Spencer couldn’t help but to feel responsible for the silence that spanned between them. TEven with the anger and guilt and sadness raging beneath his skin like a boiling sea of emotion, fatigue still pulled at his senses, blurring the edges of his awareness. The ache of body and brain after days of captivity slowly pulled him down into a nightmarish sleep.

…

Spencer awoke with a start, another nightmare forgotten the second he opened his eyes. He had known this would happen since they landed in Quantico more than two weeks ago. The landing had woken him then, from an equally terrifying sleep, leaving nothing but the sinking feeling of feel and loneliness. He knew then that he could not outrun, outsleep, even outsmart the constant pit of fear which stubbornly resided in his stomach. The team had insisted that he take time off to recover, not realizing that each second he was alone in the four walls of his bedroom would only worsen the uneasiness he felt. Inside his house there was nothing to distract him from the constant ache he felt, the space that dilaudid had filled. The need was emotional as much as physical. His body had become addicted in such a short period of time, leaving him to sweat and shake in its absence. Worse though, were the flashbacks and memories. Even now, he could feel himself in those moments when his heart had stopped beating, the cold creeping in on him, the loneliness. 

His teammates visited, of course. Short visits mostly, taking his silence as wanting them to leave. He wanted to plead for them to stay, stay in the silence that he had been living in for what felt like years now. But of course he didn’t. He spoke so little his voice sounded faint and strange when he did, rusted from disuse. The Bureau wanted him to go to therapy, to talk out his problems. It seemed laughable. This morning, however, he didn’t hold any annoyance for the Bureau. He was finally allowed to come back to work. The fear from the dream still weighed on him as he rolled out of his bed, but excitement overwhelmed it. Despite the fact that he had woken up much before his alarm, he did not take his time with getting ready. No longer than fifteen minutes after his eyes had opened, he was already out the door and on his way to the train station. 

The young doctor usually liked his commute, it was a time to brainstorm without interruption. A moment to himself in his constant business. But now, he did not enjoy it at all. It seemed less like down time and more like endless waiting. Waiting for the train to arrive and then waiting for it to get to his stop. The excitement dwindled slightly, just enough so that his low grade fear could bother him again. He indeed did use this time to brainstorm, as he usually did, but the brainstorming only brought his mood down further. He had exchanged only a few words with his boss since they arrived home, mostly instructions passed down from higher up. He was the one team member who had not visited him during his leave. Not a word had been said about that night and sitting on the train on his way to work Spencer realized just how awkward it would be. 

He had wanted his boss for years now, and the moment he got him seemed like a miracle. He should have known it would have only broken their relationship. It was stupid of him to think there was any chance for them to be together, for Hotch to leave his wife and suddenly decide he was gay. The man had a kid for god's sake. Anxiety crashed over him, he would have to face his boss after two weeks of silence. Any remaining excitement to get back on the job quickly fade. The idea that he would have to work without a friendship with Hotch, deal with the stress and all the reminders of his kidnapping without support from the person he trusted most on the team, broke his heart. When the train finally stopped where Reid got off, he was fully panicked, sweat beginning to form on his forehead. 

His short walk to the office was filled with imaginary conversations between his and Hotch. What could he say to defuse the situation. Hey so I know we slept together and you totally cheated on your wife and all that but I really just want to be friends so can we forget that ever happened? Thanks. That seemed like probably the worst way to do it. Hi so I know you're straight and are married with a kid but you seemed pretty into me so do you want to go out sometime? That might be worse. Hotch, I know that things are really awkward after what happened but I really need your friendship and support right now so can we just momentarily pretend nothing ever happened? That was probably the best way to deal with things. But still, that required him to accept that Hotch would never acknowledge what happened, that they would never be anything more than friends. The thought saddened him, but it seemed like the only way. 

The young doctor arrived at his desk still completely absorbed in his imaginary conversations. He jumped at a sudden voice behind him, turning on the balls of his feet to look at Hotch. On either side of him, his teammates began to move up the staircase. He followed quickly into the conference room and sat down in his usual seat looking directly to Hotch. He didn’t have much time to freak out about his boss before pictures of mutilated bodies began to pop up on the screen. A sickness began to rise in his stomach, his stomach flipped. 

He was back in the graveyard, his vision going black. He tried to breath in but all that came in was his own spit and vomit. Tears were running down his face. He could feel the conference room chair beneath him but it was too little to ground him. He was falling into nothingness. A warm hand came to rest on his soldier, JJ’s long fingers squeezed and he forced his vision to her concerned eyes. With a ragged breath, he pushed himself up from his chair and practically ran out of the room. 

Before he could decide where he wanted to go, Spencer was already leaning on the sink in the bathroom. He was staring into the desperate expanse of his own eyes. His head was spinning and his skin was crawling with need. His breaths came out in short gasps and tears still ran down his hollow cheeks. He scratched at the marks on his arms where he had been injected with dilaudid. His nails scratched deeply leaving angry red lines in their wake. Before he could draw blood the door swung open and before Reid stood his boss, tall and suit clad. 

Without a word, Hotch gathered the young doctor into his arms. Hotch buried his nose in Spencer’s hair, breathing in the gentle scent of the doctor's shampoo. Something lightly tropical and fresh. Spencer stood very still for a moment before relaxing into the embrace. 

“I’m so sorry” Hotch whispered so quietly that Spencer questioned if he had actually said anything. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong” Reid’s voice bubbled in his throat, coming out choked and wet as if he had been sobbing, which wasn’t inaccurate. He wanted to say more, he wanted to say everything, but he couldn’t. Instead he rested his head on Hotch’s chest and hoped the older man could feel his sadness, his feelings of abandonment, his love. Hotch breathed in deeply, Reid could hear it clatter in his chest. 

“I shouldn’t have left you. I shouldn’t have been silent. I’m sorry.” Reid didn’t say anything and the silence extended for another moment, “It’s scary for me. You know, I’ve always been straight and I have this entire life, but I feel so much for you and I can’t just ignore it… but my questioning shouldn’t have made me abandon you, especially now. It was wrong of me.” Hotch tried his best to keep his voice even, but at the end it hitched and gave away the tears pooling in his eyes. 

Reid pulled away slightly, having completely forgotten his panic and withdrawal, focusing solely on deciphering the whirling emotion in the eyes above him. Both had tears staining their cheeks and more falling from their eyes. After a moment Reid closed the distance, wrapping his thin arms around Aaron’s neck. Reid’s lips hesitantly brushed against his bosses. While Reid’s lips were soft from almost obsessively applying chapstick, Hotch’s were dry and cracking. The kiss was slow, both moving like the other would break. The gentle nature contrasting sharply with what they had done before, it seemed almost romantic. Hotch could feel Reid’s lips quirk up against him, a genuine smile. Hotch pressed closer to Reid, one hand resting on the nape of the young doctor’s neck, the other pulling on his waist. 

Spencer's soft breaths brushed against Hotch’s skin as their lips moved. The young doctor's warmth is like a beacon pulling the older man forward. They were pressed so close that Hotch could feel their heartbeats stuttering against each other, but he wanted to be closed. He wanted to be inside the young doctor again, to be able to move as one. Based on the growing presence against his leg, he assumed the young doctor was thinking along similar lines. But this wasn’t the time or place for this. He slowly pulled away, and Reid followed his lips until he physically couldn’t. The young doctor’s eyes were wide, pupils blown, looking pleadingly at him. His slightly swollen lips pouted slightly. He knew exactly what he was doing, but Hotch had slightly more self control than that. Just slightly. 

“This is not appropriate,” Hotch said, voice deep and breathy, going straight to Reid’s hardening cock. 

“You’ve already fucked” the young doctor said matter of factly, eyes predatorial while sweeping over the older man’s sculpted figure hugged so nicely in the well fitting suit. Hotch could feel his cheeks slightly reddening but refused to be distracted. 

“We are in our office” He reminded the younger man “You should go home, you obviously aren’t ready for” Hotch referenced vaguely to the door to the bathroom “and that probably means this isn’t a good idea.” Unfortunately, Hotch had to say. It was wrong to start any type of sexual or romantic relationship with Reid while he was so fragile. Plus, of course, the fact the Hotch was married with a child, a fact he seemed all too quick to forget when in the presence of one Spencer Reid. He could see Reid’s face fall. The young agent's hands, still wrapped around his boss’s neck, fell away. 

“I don’t want to be alone again” Reid whispered, his eyes down. All thoughts of anything sexual had sputtered out in seconds. Hotch wanted the reach out, but he knew where that led. 

“I can stay.” It was a bad idea. Obviously. If Reid didn’t want to be alone literally any other friend or any other agent would be a better choice. Still, Hotch needed to be with Reid at this moment, probably just as much as Reid needed to be with him. 

“The team” Reid started, a halfhearted argument 

“Can handle themselves.” And with that the terrible, awful, doomed to fail plan was made. The team took off with only a few sidelong glances at how close Reid was standing. They passed by the Hotchner household and explained briefly to Haley the situation. Through the facade of understanding, he could see the annoyance in her, something he couldn’t quite make himself care about.


End file.
